you too could be like me

When you go to the website of my university, the University of Canterbury, there are a whole lot of little student bios, published on most pages on the top right hand corner. Current example: "[insert name], studying towards a [insert degree] of [insert subject] with Honours. 'Canterbury is a great place to study [insert subject]...'"

Well, I'm sick of waiting to be asked. I'm going to write my own.


Allie *****
Studying towards a Master of Arts in History

When beginning her Bachelor of Arts, majoring in English and History, at the University of Canterbury, Allie ***** never dreamed she would be doing a Master of Arts in History.

"Frankly," she told us, "the title of 'master' never appealed to me. It's so unfeminine. And I didn't want to seem overly intelligent. A BA is nice and generic on its own, but girls can never be too careful about going further with their studies, if it makes them seem too smart. It can be a real turn-off."

That was before Allie formed designs on Simon Cowell, the charismatic judge on the famous American Idol television show. "Before, I dreamed of marrying a millionaire, and let's face it, I've got the goods to win the prize. But good looks, charm and killer legs aren't going to be enough to snag Simon. I needed something more. And a MA in History at the University of Canterbury gave that to me."

Allie found that the Masters programme in the College of Arts gave her the flexibility she needed in order to develop her potential as a future trophy wife. "If I find that I really need to work out, it's fine. My studies will wait. If I find that Simon's flown into New Zealand and I urgently need to make my way to another city, that's fine. I'll fake a research need or a conference I can present a paper at, get funding, and make my way there in order to trawl all possible venues. If I can find a way to work my thesis around an urgent need to personally 'interview' Simon Cowell, that's okay. My supervisors are gullible, and no one else has ever done a thesis on talent show judges' opinions of Soviet Russia. Groundbreaking stuff."

A Canterbury MA prepared Allie well for the gritty reality of tracking down a celebrity. "I've been taught top-notch research skills which have come in handy once or twice, let me tell you! Already I've managed to submit a question for Simon to answer on a radio interview, and I got in touch with his agent's best friend's mother about an interview, and I feel that it's only onwards and upwards from here."

In the future, Allie hopes to graduate with a strong MA that will impress Simon and provide openings for work as an assistant of some kind on the British or American reality TV shows he features on. "The sky's the limit!"